I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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