Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
