I think my fart just growled at me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it's like iHOP with fire
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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