Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
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she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..