You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.