Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
