My sheets look like a crime scene.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
