This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
