dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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