They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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