My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
