new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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