if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
