True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
