Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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