she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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