I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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