I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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