I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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