I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
