you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
