i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
