dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
