Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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