Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
