So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
