I can text with my tongue
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
