remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
