dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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