god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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