please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
