ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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