apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
