Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
