This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
