I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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