I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
