even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
