So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
