I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
