I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
