the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
