the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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