its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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