Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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