Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Boobs are out for the taking
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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