I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
