I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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