Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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