Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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