Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
