I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize