from now on my penis is your penis
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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