I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
