Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sorry my hands just texted you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
