My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
