Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
