I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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