On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
